Over the last week I have really struggled with being a stay at home mom. Before having Owen, I couldn't imagine anything I wanted more. When Jeremy and I were going over our finances, I balled at the thought that I might not be able to stay home with him. I believed (and still do) that I could care for him better than anyone else. I just couldn't imagine having someone else raise my child and see them more than I do. I didn't want to miss all the firsts (rolling over, sitting up, etc) that might take place during the day while I was at work. Combined with the fact that I was discontent with teaching, staying at home seemed like the ideal situation.
After Owen was born, staying at home seemed so different. It wasn't as glamorous as I once imagined.
There are aspects of it that I didn't think about. For one is the loneliness. I am a very social person by nature and love to talk (as most of you know). I thrive on personal interactions. Teaching was great for me in that aspect because I always had 20 some kids to talk to and 50 some staff members. You never had time to yourself and things were never quiet. On the flip side, my house is almost too quiet. Half of the time I leave the TV on just for background noise. Owen and I play but at 5 months, there is only so much interaction he can have with me. I think moving to a new town also had something to do with it. We don't have many friends here yet and we still haven't found a church. We have one couple which we love, but I can't expect her to hang out with me everyday. I desperately crave fellowship and am trying to work hard to find it.
Another aspect that has been eating at me this week is the fact that I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything . There are the mundane tasks that must always be completed..laundry, dishes, cleaning. But these are things that I would normally accomplish as a wife before I had kids. They aren't anything new and sometimes they are all I accomplish in a day. It doesn't feel like I am doing anything productive for my family or for society. I just don't feel like I'm applying myself or my talents/gifts God gave me. I know my purpose is to serve my family and by being home I am able to take care of the things in home that need attending to. By doing this, we are able to have more family time because when Jeremy gets home we are not doing chores. I just miss the sense of accomplishment that came from doing a job outside of the home.
I think also a comment my dad made to me last week as been on my heart. I got the impression from him that he thought my college education is going to waste by me being at home. I know he probably didn't mean it to hurt me but it really stung. I don't feel like I'm wasting my degree at all because if anything my background knowledge in education will only be beneficial as we raise Owen. There are parts of me that really miss teaching. I miss the kids and the excitement in their eyes when they mastered something new. And there are parts of me that wish I could do both...use my skills and be at home with him. (Before you say it, I know I could tutor or something and I am trying to follow a lead on that too.)
So that's what I'm struggling with...
This past week I found a quote by Dorothy Patterson that really encouraged me,
"Homemaking — being a full-time wife and mother — is not a destructive drought of uselessness but an overflowing oasis of opportunity; it is not a dreary cell to contain your talents and skills but a brilliant catalyst to channel creativity and energies into meaningful work ... it is neither limitation of gifts available nor stinginess in distributing the benefits of those gifts, but rather the multiplication of a mother's legacy to the generations to come and the generous bestowal of all God meant a mother to give to those He entrusted to her care."
Though I may lose sight of the rewards now, I know that I am having a huge impact on my family. I just have to keep telling myself that. Remind me every now when you see me, ok?
12 comments:
I think people would be lying if they said they didnt' feel the same way you did. I went through the exact same thing. Of course being a teacher has a lot to do with it. You went from running around all day long with over 20 kids to being alone in a house with a baby that doesn't interact with you. Trust me when I say this, it does get better! As he grows and learns more it will be such a joy to be at home with him. I do think you got a double whammy with moving somewhere you don't know anyone. I would encourage you to start a walking group, get a part time job, or think of creative ways to get your social juices out. I think you are dealing with a big transition. However, this could be God's way of telling you to get out and do something. PLEASE call me. When I read your post it was almost like you wrote down all my thoughts when he was Owen's age!
Have you read A Mother's Heart? It is such a great book! I think I underlined more in it than any other book I have read. I really think it might help you.
Shannon, this is a great post! Very honest and certainly I know a lot of stay-at-home moms can relate. Here are a couple things to consider...I may find myself in your same situation in about 6 months, so I enjoy hearing how other moms cope with this struggle:
- Consider joining a playgroup in your area. It will give you that social interaction and something to look forward to (getting out of the house).
- Find a private school that offers a half-day kindergarten program and see if you can teach a half-day. You would still get the advantage of spending the majority of your time with Owen, but you'd also get out of the house for awhile and have that sense of personal accomplishment.
- Is there any part of Jeremy's job that you could help with from home? My husband runs several consulting businesses, so when I have free time now, I help him with some of the administrative stuff. Or you could start taking craft orders :-)
- Know that the summer will probably be much better because you'll be able to get out more.
- Have another baby...two will keep you REALLY busy (just kidding :-)
Hope things get better for you, Shannon. Keep us posted!
Shannon,
You have expressed verbatim what I have also been experiencing the past few months. I only worked part time before McKinley was born, but it is difficult to adjust to being at home all the time. I feel the loneliness and totally relate to the thought that I'm not contributing anything to society. I have no true words of wisdom to offer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I also feel the pressure from family members who constantly ask "so you're still not working?" But for us the cost of daycare would outweigh anything I could earn. Anyway, I know we don't know each other that well, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you as you seek a church and families in the area that you can spend time with. I hear playgroups are a great thing. I have also been looking for contract work that I can do from home, to both help with my feelings of unproductiveness as well as our finances. No more rambling, just know you're not alone.
Hey Shannon -- I really cannot relate to your struggles as I am going to have to go back to work in about a week and a half (after 8 weeks) but I just wanted to let you know that I will say a little prayer for you. I also know that there is a "mommy's morning out" in RM that you may also want to consider a couple days a week -- when Owen gets a little older, maybe. Just so that you can get out and maybe do some things for yourself. I hope that the stuggles quickly pass for you. :) BTW -- your new header is adorable! I love the picture of Owen!!
shannon, you are not alone (as you've already seen from previous comments)! my experience has been very similar as i've longed for fellowship, needed encouragement, and felt lonely and tired. being a mommy to a little baby boy (owen is PRECIOUS, i might add) is quite exhausting in every way, but a joy all at the same time. owen is so blessed to have you around all the time. you are giving him the best thing by being around! what a blessing that you can do that! i will pray that you are able to rest in this new role the Lord has given you and that He'll lead ya'll to a church soon. fellowship is so important. even more than friendships, which are God's gracious gift to us is His presence. be encouraged, the Lord is with you always, an ever-present help in time of need, a shepherd gently leading you who are with young.
i've enjoyed catching myself up on your life through your blog lately! sorry i didn't visit earlier than now...
Hey Shannon... I really appreciate your honesty and I think any mom would be lying if she said she didn't struggle with these same issues at some point. Just keep reminding yourself (as I do) that this time in your life is just a season. God tells us that there is a time and a season to everything under heaven. Some of these not so fun seasons include sleepless nights, crying babies, potty training, rebellion, repetitive instruction. But with these also come the joy of seeing your child grow into the man you will help shape him into. The boredom you feel being at home with a baby that doesn't meet your social needs will soon disappear as Owen learns new things. You will eventually have a chatter box on your hands (as I do) that will challenge you everyday with new and exciting things. Your teaching background will most certainly help you in guiding Owen as he learns letters, numbers and all sorts of things. Just keep reminding yourself that one day when Owen is grown, you will see the fruits of your labor and know that it is all worth it :)
Yes, I have felt everything you said as well. Working part-time has been great for me - the best of both worlds. But, there are time I can't even get the laundry done, and I feel like the day has been pointless. It's not the easy life that many imagine it is. Unless someone has been at home with their child, they have no idea how hard it is. Honestly, working full time would be easier! But, I can't imagine a more rewarding job than seeing my son grow up - and I know you must feel the same way! Good luck...we'll all get though it!
Hugs to you my friend! Come visit us soon:o)
i don't know you, but i'm a stay at home mom (of two) and former teacher as well. and lately i've wondered if the decision for me to stay home was a good one...and then i look at and talk to my three year old and don't regret a moment. though the baby stages are somewhat less interactive, once your little guy gets bigger and bigger he'll have so much to tell you, will want to play with you, have you read to him, and be so excited to be with mama all day. we go to a moms' group once a week, and it's perfect: I get to talk to other adults, and my kids get to play with others their age. my point...don't regret your choice, and go out and try to meet people! good luck!
Shannon-
I found your blog recently and wanted to comment--I hope you don't mind. The ladies who have commented previously have covered everything that I would have said, so I will try not to repeat it:-) Just know that you are not alone in your struggles, that many women deal with them, and that having doubts/questions does not make you a bad wife or mother. Thankfully we serve a heavenly Father who understands every aspect of our life, and who can comfort us in our times of loneliness. Something else to consider is that your hormones are still fluctuating--they are not as crazy as immediately after Owen arrived, but they are still changing, and that can affect a lot! You might want to look specifically at the times you feel 'lowest' and see if there is a pattern--I have a friend who got very sad and weepy every afternoon right after her son's 5 p.m. feeding. She learned to turn on a romantic comedy, or some 'happy music' to help fight away the blues. It might help, it might not!
By the way, Happy Birthday to Owen! He's such a cutie.
Soo I am just now seeing this- sorry! I was trying to get updated with you guys and hit on this post... my mouth dropped open because I could have written it after Bella was born. I know those feelings and know it is a struggle... I put so much pressure on Eric to keep me entertained and interact with me that I think I exhausted him. (And made him nutty)... anyway, you are not alone. Like everyone says, it does get better... we also were not finding a church, but we had faith and it took 2 years but we finally did! Also, do not feel any pressure to join things or put yourself out there if it isn't comfy for you... I felt that pressure, and the group I found was not AT ALL right for me. you are doing an awesome job just because you love Owen and you are there to hold him and love him- that's most important. I could get on my soapbox about children needing their mommy with them, but I won't ;) If you need to talk... here's a millionth person!
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